In a tournament. "And the next match is in between Fahad(me) and Zaid" announced the host. A crack of nervousness ran through me. A rush. I took the controller in my hand. It was FIFA 17.
My legs were shaking. The Semi-final it was. Either I was going home with everything or nothing. "All in or nothing", a guy from adidas would say. My arms were numb and my senses were dulled. It was like my hands weren't doing what heart wanted to. They were controlled by an anonymous force.
"Calm the fuck down"! I firmly commanded my soul. And no effect. I was so vulnerable. I had lost communication with my soul. It was just as if a mobile network was damaged. And there were no signals.
The whistle blew and the game was underway. I was definitely not fighting.
And so fierce the match was supposed to be. It was fierce for me, if not for my opponent. Even though I was not fighting.
And it was not fierce because I was losing. It was because I was battling with my soul. Telling myself to keep strong yet was melting away from one side or another. And there was intense pressure from the crowd. I was definitely out of control – and losing.
But there was another battle as well. The one with myself. And it was beyond my affordability to lose that one. Afraid that I might lose connection with myself. Once and for all.
Internal sweating. I'd call it. And the biggest thing at stake was my family's hope standing behind me trying to buck me up. And I'm sure they were losing trust by the second. Because I didn't trust myself.
And the seemingly eternal battle was over. I had lost the match. One to zero. But it didn't effect me. Okay, maybe a little. It didn't effect me because there was a more intense, and a more rewarding battle going inside me. A battle that would gift me with skills. Hidden ones but really helpful.
And that battle continues to the day and I am defeating that fear by the second. And the elimination of that darkness and murk, I'd say, which continued to blind me, fills my soul with sheer excitement.
I may not be as wise as some of the elders reading since I'm just a student (a midget to some of you) but that's how wisdom comes to one. Not by age, but experience.
So fear not solitude and connect, with yourself first, and with others afterwards.
Trust yourself and be yourself. There's a lot of competition out there but little trust. So slice the little edge you lack with trust and self confidence. And fill yourself with optimism.
You'll move mountains.
Me winning third prize
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